I am a new father of a twelve year old boy that is not my own. My wife's sister has struggled with drug addiction since she was 14. She has recently become quite withdrawn and our worst fears have come true. She is using heroin again daily and resorting to prostitution for money. She had an overdose recently and social services took away her child and allowed the child into our care.
Its a tough pill to swallow. The sister does not want help with her addiction and I personally think its her last ride. I feel bad for the kid. He is kind hearted and so far a week in listens to what we say. He has no confidence, no friends, socially awkward and no self worth. His mom lives hours away and he is getting homesick.
We are trying to do our best to make him feel comfortable, we gave him a big room to stay in he can call his own, we are trying to get him more physically active as he is a bit pudgy , we are cutting out his 3 cans a coke day habit and getting him on track by eating healthy whole foods and home cooked meals instead of fast food. I am going to take him shopping for some new clothes and a haircut before we get him in a new school. I was thinking of getting him into karate or tae kwon doe to teach him some respect for others, self respect and confidence. Scouts and cadets is also a possibility since he needs strong male support since his dad has never been in the picture.
I really think this is going to be a forever type of thing and I have to adjust for the future. I have the wife looking into financial assistance for this type of situation and programs like counseling and tutoring for the kid which he desperately needs.
I could have easily told the wifey I did not want him here at the house and send him off to his grandma , her other sisters family or even foster care but I believe this is the right thing to do since we are able too. Its hard for me to process everything right now but I will keep doing what I think is right and give this kid a chance at a good life.
I have always believed in saving for a rainy day and lucky I did. Being financially independent has provided me the opportunity to help many others. This just cements my long term outlook in grinding forward and living within our means. Yes I like the finer things in life like a shiny new Ferrari but it would be financially irresponsible and just selfish.
If anyone has some advice on this matter please suggest something to make the transition easier. My life has been turned upside down since.
In business news .
I have my new rental sorted out to a family of five for $3600 a month which I am quite happy about. Also I have been looking into another house. Its basically a tear down home and the place is just lot value. I plan on building a home and flipping it for some good profits. Details will come soon in a post.
Wow! That is a huge adjustment for both. In my uneducated opinion it sounds like a lot of change to throw at a boy (eating habits, activities, mom gone, new place hours away, etc.) - I would be careful just how much you do throw before he rebels.
ReplyDeleteI hope your wife appreciate that you have set up your finances in such a way that this was even a possibility!
Yes it is a lot to throw at the boy , I agree. I am gonna play it by ear and see how he does. If its too much for him I will pull back bit. If it were up to him he would just play video games from wake to sleep. He has never been challenged to be better. I have set up some light chores around the house and told him he will get a weekly allowance. Today I gave him a $20 and he seemed over the moon. Its very hard to talk things out with him. He is a closed book with all his feelings. Hopefully in time he will open up.
DeleteI have no advice to give in a situation like this but I admire you for stepping up and helping. You did the right thing, not the easy thing.
ReplyDeleteIt easy to be a bad parent but tough to be a good one. I know I struggle at times with two of my own. Now with 3 in the mix I have to find a new normal.
DeleteHey AG. I'm glad you took him in. If you love your wife you would do this. She'll appreciate it very much bud. In the end family is family. Sister in laws drug problem or problems in general always rub off to the other family members. If my brothers got a problem... It always becomes like a family's problem. We always try to help each other out. That's what families do. It's times like this that we reinforce our beliefs on success and well being. We got it made. Sorry I talked so much but I respect you.
ReplyDeleteTake care my friend.
Thanks for the words buddy. Problem is the sister has caused a lot of trouble for the family for a long time. She plays the victim but its everyone around her that is the victim. The sister is a master manipulator and everyone does everything for her but she helps nobody.The family is in shambles right now. I just got to be the level headed rational one right now.
DeleteWell, all I have to say is you are doing the right thing. He might not be the child of your dreams- however he is coming from a bad situation. Give it time.
ReplyDeleteI am currently staying with my 87 year old mother every evening until mid morning for the past 2 years since my dad died. It has been a big change for me. I do not sleep in my bed, I do not see my family at night or in the morning, and a host of other things that just are not worth talking about. However, she is my mother, and I never questioned the decision.
In my whole life, my father was there for me every time I needed him. He fixed everything and never complained- I wish I was built the same! We can't change the hand that is dealt to us, we can only play it out and make the best decisions along the way for the best outcome.
I guess what I am saying is that you are doing what is right. Your sister may not ever get better and she might get worse, but you will not be able to change her. However, that child is just a child. He is not yet completely molded. You have the chance to do something for him that will live with him for his entire life. He may not like the new rules. He may disobey. He might fight you like all hell. I am sure it won't be a rose garden. But, what I am sure of is that you will be a better person because of it. In a few years, he will be an adult. Hopefully, you can watch him graduate high school and go to college and be the success that that he would never be if you let him flounder. You are making the right choice and do not second guess yourself.
In the end, you will be better off and so will he. Good luck and trust in your decisions.
Keep us informed.
Keep cranking,
Robert the DividendDreamer
Thanks for sharing your story about your mother. It puts in perspective that we are not always in control in situations but we are in control how we react to them. I cant imagine the great stress you are going through but you have to accept the new normal.
DeleteI think I cant handle the situation but im unsure. Its not just the kid but the drama behind it. Cant help to think the mom will come back making crazy demands or his father wants to take care of him when he gets out of prison. my gosh this drama. I just hope he is here with me long enough so he can start finding his own voice and strength.
Good luck AG, I have no experience in this area or advice to give but I'm your nephew appreciates you housing him. All the best
ReplyDeletethanks bud
DeleteThat's very kind of you to do that AG. I don't have any direct experience/advice to give, but I do have a step brother/2 step-sisters and they've had some troubles of their own. From that, for now at least I would suggest not to push too hard, but to try and lead through being a good example for him. Perhaps do some of the chores/activities you suggested together and show support. It also depends on how well he knew you and your wife previously. Its definitely better IMO in this situation to come off as someone trying to support them and showing kindness rather than ordering them to do things/being too much of an authority figure that they dont know too much. Definitely a tough spot for him to be in; he was force-ably taken from his mom/the issues at his previous home. If it were me, I'd probably withdraw a bit and try and get some comfortable distractions like my favourite video games.(Occasionally do anyways for daily stresses) And like you said, he doesnt have school just yet, so i dont see it as too much of a bad thing as long as he understands it will change when he does get back into school.
ReplyDeleteJust my 2cents or so. Hope it helps a little bit. Best of luck!
Thanks for the advice. We always got along before and I would take him out here and there but havent seen much of him in the last year and he is going through puberty in that awkward stage. My weak point is social interaction, People often view me as a robot, cold and calculating in which I am lol. I am trying to warm up but it is just my character to be icy at times. I also have to worry about my 2 kids that are also adapting to the situation. Right now I am treating him as one of my own. I am very giving but I like a certain order in my household.
DeleteHe brought his ps4 over with him and who knew grand the\ft auto was so violently filled of profanity. Def not kid appropriate but how do I stop him lol.
Hopefully he'll be comfortable talking to you about things in the future. I wouldn't be nearly as messed up now if I had someone to talk to about how I felt about my issues. I was shy like that kid and did everything to stay out of reality (video games, etc) and to stay away from people. I was really nice and kind to everyone, but that was my way of dealing with things. I actually held a massive amount of hatred in me towards everyone, and no other way to deal with it other than to ignore it. It took a long time to realize that I was acting out just as much as a self-destructive person would, just in a different way. It's only now that I'm seeing the effects of my childhood and am dealing with it.
ReplyDeleteI hope things work out for you guys and, like many who would read your post, I give you much respect for doing what you've done. Tough times ahead. Keep treating him as your own, as that's really important if you want him to open up. Make sure he sees that you see him as your own and not as some liability that you have to handle. For me, words meant nothing and actions were everything. You've got balls of steel, man. Good luck.
Thanks for the kind words. I figure its gonna take some time for the kid to feel comfortable and eventually open up. I hope his mother will try and keep the drama away from us. She has already tried coaching the kid on what to say to the social worker which I am not happy about. If she comes and visits it has to be supervised. Told the wife to hide the jewelry and everybody purses and wallets when she comes by.
DeleteYou are right people words mean nothing and actions are everything. The mom has promised the world and her actions are a complete different story.
AG, if nothing else speaks to the quality of man that you've become, this is it. The thoughtfulness, love, and desire to do right by this young man is tremendous and shows throughout your post. While I can't offer any practical advice, I certainly wish you the best of luck during this time of transition.
ReplyDeleteThanks buddy. I grew up in a rough family, I didnt have much opportunity in a rough school and just skated by in life. I see so much potential in the kid and it hurts me to see him being held down in the past. We will see how things shake out. I just got to make sure me and the wifey are good and everyone adjusts.
DeleteWow A-G. Thats rough....and sad to hear that your wife's sister has fallen back into drug addiction. Kudos to you to step up and take the kid in. Im sure it'll take a lot of time and effort to adjust - and wish you and your family the best.
ReplyDeleteR2R
Thanks for the words buddy
DeleteGood for you taking him in and guide him. I think enrolling him in scouts will do great to boot his confident and allow him to learn new skills. Definitely teach him about healthy living. Keep treating him as one of your own and he will turn around.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking air cadets, starts at age 12 which he is and the base is close to where I live. I dont want him to just sit around and play video games in all his free time. Time to get his butt in gear and start moving around and socializing!
DeleteAG,
ReplyDeleteWhat a tough situation for you guys and the boy. Ya'll are certainly very generous taking him in and I'm sure he'll appreciate all that you are doing for him in time. I can appreciate that he is homesick as I lived with my step dad and mom in Texas growing up but spent the summers in Chicago visiting my biological father. It was always difficult to make the transition from one home life to another and then back again.
Best wishes to all of you.
MDP
Yeah never easy going back and forth to different family being bounced around. I kind of think his mom is somewhat just letting him go for the best. These are very formative years for him and getting him on the right track now I think is the utmost important before he goes down the wrong track in life.
DeleteWoh! I wasn't expecting such a post here... I'm a little shocked, I must admit. You surely made the right thing and hopefully that boy will turn out to be a great man. You and your wife have all my respect. Of course I've never been in your shoes, but as a father of three, I would say it seems like A LOT of changes at the same time for him. Just let him breathe a little and give him time to swallow the pill too... All you mentioned are great ideas, just give it some time before applying all of them - that's just my humble opinion.
ReplyDeleteAs for business, looks like nice projects to come! Can't wait to read more about it.
I think we are gonna play it by ear. If things are too much for him we will dial it back. So far I think he can handle it but I will keep a very watchful eye. I had a tough childhood and hated my parents with zero support emotionally and in many other areas. I know when to keep my mouth shut with him and when to press a bit. Hopefully he finds his new normal here and opens up.
DeleteThat was a beautiful posting. I am a big boy but crying out loud inside. Raise him well and hope you treat him on your own. I am sure you will be a great father figure for him. I would strongly recommend teaching him Tawkwondo. He will make great friends there and be more confident.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes for all of you and bless you
I hope to get him in a class soon enough for once or twice a week. I think there are so many positives for troubled youth in martial arts. I just want whats best for the kid so Imma give it 100% for his sake.
DeleteI can guarantee you that the investment you are making in your nephew will pay you the greatest return on investment of any you will ever make.
ReplyDeleteYou very well may be right. Its what really matters in life. No point grinding forward if their is no goal or purpose. This puts things in perspective in a hurry! Great lil post man!
DeleteAG,
ReplyDeleteIn Dutch we have an expression "een grote meneer zijn", which (very) roughly translates to "being a grand personality". I don't think there are a lot of people to which it applies more than you. Kudos!
I hope everything works out alright in the end.
Best wishes to your entire family,
NMW
Appreciate the kind words. That is a great quote. I often beat to my own drum. Too me it was a no brainer, I would feel too much guilt if I didnt step up. Its the right thing to do. What kind of person would I be if I just sent him away to foster care.
DeleteIts really not about me as I have been getting much attention lately. I hate attention really. Its about the kid and his future. He deserves a shot at life.